Where’s Ann B. Davis When I Need Her?????


Dear Alice,

You are needed in my house more than you could ever know.  I need you to work for free, just like you do for the Bradys.  I can’t offer you your own room, but I have a nice futon in the playroom you could use.  I need you to create a portable cleaning station, like the hotel maids wheel around and just follow Michael 24/7.  Then you could sweep up the Girl Scout cookie crumbs that are all over the floor at 8 AM, and mop up the pee all over my bedroom floor that he found absolutely hysterical.    Please get an industrial strength Dustbuster because there are usually particles of popcorn ceiling all over the floor and furniture since Michael likes to climb dressers and scrape it off so it snows in the house.  The couches will need that, too, since they are usually covered in cereal or Cheez-It crumbs.  You’ll need to be sure your back is strong because you’ll be bending over constantly to pick up cars, shoes,  socks, puzzle pieces, fallen vertical blinds, and assorted toys.  I’ll be sure to show you my kitchen cabinet arrangement because you’ll find cups in every room of the house that will have to be put away.  You might want to invest in a broom with strong bristles because Michael brings half of the school playground sand home in his shoes daily.  Don’t bother to stop him at the door to ask him to empty them because he will fly past you and throw them off as he goes.  Take some classes in organization because there are papers on every flat surface – from bills, to school schedules, to homework, to unopened mail.   We’ll add you to our Sam’s Club membership so you can pick up commercial size laundry soap and gigantic boxes of Mr. Clean Magic Erasers.  You see, my boys know nothing about wearing pajamas two nights in a row or using towels more than once.  One of Michael’s favorite pastimes is flipping lights and fans on and off, leaving fingermarks all over switches and walls.  You’ll want to add some bottles of 5-Hour-Energy or very strong coffee to that list since the concept of sleeping past 7 AM (even on weekends) is foreign to my kids.  I’ll make you a strict schedule for the dog because if she isn’t taken out every two hours she will have an accident in the house.  If for some reason you cannot adhere to her schedule, just lock her in her crate until you can take her outside.   I’ll provide you with a lanyard that has our house key hanging on it; otherwise you won’t be able to get outside since every outer door has to be unlocked with a key.  Be sure to lock the door each and every time you come in or Michael will go for a jog around the city.  I have lots of snack in my pantry, but I will have to teach you the lock combination because that has to be locked up, too, the consequence being daily trips to the grocery store since Michael has it in his head that the pantry is his own personal free snack bar.

I’m afraid I can’t be much company to you like Carol Brady, but I have a full-time job.  I leave my home at 7:10 AM and I don’t usually arrive back until after 4 PM at the earliest.   Please have the kids’ playroom clean by 4:30 three days a week because Michael’s therapist works with him in there until 7 PM on those days.    On the other two afternoons of the week, I tutor and/or stay at school late to catch up on work, so you probably won’t see me until 5 PM.  My husband fights 45 minutes of traffic on a daily basis, so he’ll be home at almost 6 PM, although he spends many evenings volunteer coaching Christopher’s baseball league and doesn’t get home until almost 8 on those nights.  I actually enjoy cooking, so dinner’s on me.  l cook a nice meal for my husband, one of my kids, and me.  I’ll have to make something separate for Michael because he doesn’t eat 90% of what I cook.  After dinner, please clean the kitchen while I argue with Christopher about doing his daily reading and Mike gets Michael in the shower since he can’t properly wash himself yet.

Alice, I’d love to give you the weekends off, but that’s when I need you the most because at least during the week the boys are at school most of the day, so the house is quiet.  To be honest with you, most of your work will have to be done when they are out of school – Spring Break, three day weekends, winter holiday break, etc.

I hope you’ll consider employment with our family.  We don’t do sack races or have AstroTurf in our backyard.  We have TWO bathrooms and our home is half the size of 4222 Clinton Way.  There are only two kids as opposed to six………….well, scratch that – Michael makes up for at least 5 Brady kids.

I look forward to your reply,